Reconstructing Faith

I think I was about 17 when I experienced a pivotal, life-changing moment. The details surrounding the larger timeline of this period are somewhat blurry, but the essential events remain vivid and impactful.

At that time, the existence of God was still a question for me. Despite occasional small experiences I attributed to God, years of unanswered calls for help and salvation had led me to suspect that nobody was out there. I’m still a bit haunted by the hollow numbness that overcame me that night when the last ember of hope went out.

The full story of what led to this turning point is long and complex, and much of it I’m not ready to share.

However, during this phase of my life, after enduring years of turmoil and shattered realities, everything abruptly stopped. In an instant, the chaos halted, and the spark of hope I thought had died suddenly reignited.

For the first time in my life, I perceived the presence and power of God in a powerful and unmistakeable way that cannot be misconstrued or denied.

Now that I knew someone was indeed there, I had to learn who it was. I knew that there was a higher power but I wondered where I should go from there.

There I was with all these shattered pieces of reality around me with one bright shining light up above. I realized that believe and knowledge represented two very different things. Belief was simply a judgement you were making about an idea. But true knowledge, the kind I wanted, was built upon experiences.

From that time forward, I sought to build a foundation of knowledge through experiences. I tried to sort through my thoughts by getting a piece of paper and drawing a line down the middle and writing “Believe” and “Know” at the top.

There were only three things on the “know” side. The criteria for something falling on that side of the list had to do with whether or not I had experienced it.

Everything else fell on the “believe” side and there was a whopping amount over there.

I thought that I might study all the religions of the world to find the truth. But because of the specific events that I experienced, I figured that it would be worthwhile to start where I already was; maybe I was put here for a reason.

I poured into the scriptures, and through many struggles, they began to open up to me through the Spirit.

I went to Institute of Religion classes and there were insights from the instructor and other students that helped fill in some other gaps. I wanted to spread the word, and I wanted to help others like me to know that there was hope. I also wanted more time to explore this new world I was experiencing so I decided to serve a mission. This wasn’t my only motivation, but I can’t explain that yet.

And now, we’re getting to my main point of this post.

When I was set apart as a missionary, the presence of God the Father descended upon me and I heard his mind. He spoke to me as his son and told me that he was proud of the path I had chosen.

What I didn’t know at the time was that this is what we are told in the Lectures on Faith to pursue.

The Sixth Lecture begins by introducing, “…the knowledge which persons must have, that the course of life which they pursue is according to the will of God, in order that they may be enabled to exercise faith in him unto life and salvation.” (Lecture 6:1)

Over and over again it is explained that:

An actual knowledge to any person that the course of life which he pursues is according to the will of God, is essentially necessary to enable him to have that confidence in God, without which no person can obtain eternal life.

Lecture 6:2

Know that at this point in my life, I did not have everything on the “believe” side of my page moved over to the “know” side. In fact there was maybe just one or two things that had been moved over.

So how could I go out and be a missionary and teach such things without knowing the truth of all things?

It is because I had an actual knowledge from God that the course of life that I was pursuing was agreeable to his will.

Did this mean that everything I was called to teach as a missionary was true and correct? No, it simply meant that this is what God wanted me to do. Any truth I would learn along the way would have to come on its own terms and by intentional pursuit.

You can read a little more about that pursuit here.

But if you are a person who feels like their faith has been shattered or that hope has vanished, know that you can rebuild to something far more valuable and fulfilling.

God is there even if you don’t perceive him, he cares, even if you feel abandoned.

It took me nearly two decades to finally get my answer as to why I felt alone and abandoned. All it took was four words and living those last two decades to understand.

Remember, it’s not necessary to have all the answers. In fact, you will likely never have them in this life. Truth is indeed important and worthy of pursuit, but it doesn’t have to hinder our spiritual progress.

The most valuable thing that I think we can pursue, whether in crisis or not, is to obtain an actual knowledge from God that the course you are pursuing in life is agreeable to his will.

Knowing this can act as a bridge across so many chasms of confusion. As we cross these bridges we can obtain understanding and insights that cannot be obtained any other way and they are often not what we we may have wanted or expected.

I highly recommend a study of the Lectures on Faith to any who are feeling lost and to couple that with a pursuit of a relationship of trust and communication with God.

As someone who once felt like they could not be more lost and forsaken, I bear witness of the love of God that purges all darkness, and heals all empty souls. We can be forgiven by God in the name of Jesus Christ because of his sacrifice and made perfect in him.

The path to begin again maybe hard to find, but is never out of reach and worth everything to pursue.